Posted on

What if I love Porschie #2 more?

What if I love Porsche #2 more?

It seems to be normal, that when baby number 2 is on his or her way, that a mother would fear that she would not be able to love baby number 2 as much as baby number 1. Sound familiar? Well for me, it is somewhat different, because my fear is completely  the opposite! What if I love Porschie #2 more?

You see, I had a really rough start to motherhood. The delivery did not go as planned, there were epidural complications causing 2 weeks of intense recovery (read more about my birth story here), I struggled with breastfeeding for at least 8 weeks, Ammaarah had gas and wouldn’t stop crying, I most certainly suffered from post natal depression, and and and… In hind site, I absolutely know that I truly was my own worst enemy and it was mainly self inflicted, but regardless, I experienced those things. And those things unfortunately caused me to not love my baby from the moment I saw her – you know, that ‘love at first sight’ emotion you are supposed to feel when you finally meet your little one? Well not for me. I think I only fell in love with her after a few months. I mean, of course I loved her, my maternal instincts would not allow anything else, but I did not feel that unexplainable feeling of warm custard flowing through every part of your body – that feeling of love – until months later!

Hence my fear…what if I love Porschie #2 more, as early as from the start? What if I am granted that blessing of ‘love at first sight’ with Porschie #2? What if I feel that unexplainable feeling of warm custard from the get go?

I have no doubt that I will love my children equally – as best as I know how. I have no doubt that I will do my utmost best for them, always. I have no doubt that I will treat them as individuals, but all equal in terms of being my children. But again, what if I fall in love with Porschie #2 earlier? Wouldn’t that already mean that I was treating my children differently? (My heart just cannot deal with the guilt!)

Almost 19 weeks now (alhamdulillah), and I can finally start to feel Porschie #2 in my belly. Those early feelings of flutters in your belly (when you are not quite sure if it is a fart or not), and then that confirming feeling of little pops in your belly. Especially when you sit quietly and concentrate on the absolute blessing growing in your belly! I can finally feel Porschie #2 and I have already fallen in love…but that guilt has unfortunately begun!

Am I crazy, to feel this way? Or is this perhaps normal? I have no idea, but one thing I know for sure, is that each pregnancy is most certainly different and that has been proven to me already! I can only but pray that I am granted with another successful 21 weeks of pregnancy and be granted with the greatest blessing of a baby number 2 (and a healthy baby) IA!

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *