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What if I love Porschie #2 more?

What if I love Porsche #2 more?

It seems to be normal, that when baby number 2 is on his or her way, that a mother would fear that she would not be able to love baby number 2 as much as baby number 1. Sound familiar? Well for me, it is somewhat different, because my fear is completely  the opposite! What if I love Porschie #2 more?

You see, I had a really rough start to motherhood. The delivery did not go as planned, there were epidural complications causing 2 weeks of intense recovery (read more about my birth story here), I struggled with breastfeeding for at least 8 weeks, Ammaarah had gas and wouldn’t stop crying, I most certainly suffered from post natal depression, and and and… In hind site, I absolutely know that I truly was my own worst enemy and it was mainly self inflicted, but regardless, I experienced those things. And those things unfortunately caused me to not love my baby from the moment I saw her – you know, that ‘love at first sight’ emotion you are supposed to feel when you finally meet your little one? Well not for me. I think I only fell in love with her after a few months. I mean, of course I loved her, my maternal instincts would not allow anything else, but I did not feel that unexplainable feeling of warm custard flowing through every part of your body – that feeling of love – until months later!

Hence my fear…what if I love Porschie #2 more, as early as from the start? What if I am granted that blessing of ‘love at first sight’ with Porschie #2? What if I feel that unexplainable feeling of warm custard from the get go?

I have no doubt that I will love my children equally – as best as I know how. I have no doubt that I will do my utmost best for them, always. I have no doubt that I will treat them as individuals, but all equal in terms of being my children. But again, what if I fall in love with Porschie #2 earlier? Wouldn’t that already mean that I was treating my children differently? (My heart just cannot deal with the guilt!)

Almost 19 weeks now (alhamdulillah), and I can finally start to feel Porschie #2 in my belly. Those early feelings of flutters in your belly (when you are not quite sure if it is a fart or not), and then that confirming feeling of little pops in your belly. Especially when you sit quietly and concentrate on the absolute blessing growing in your belly! I can finally feel Porschie #2 and I have already fallen in love…but that guilt has unfortunately begun!

Am I crazy, to feel this way? Or is this perhaps normal? I have no idea, but one thing I know for sure, is that each pregnancy is most certainly different and that has been proven to me already! I can only but pray that I am granted with another successful 21 weeks of pregnancy and be granted with the greatest blessing of a baby number 2 (and a healthy baby) IA!


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A journey to motherhood – 1st Trimester

We were recently featured in a three-part series of Preggie Diaries in the Mamas and Papas magazine. The three-part series covered each of the three trimesters of our pregnancy and perfectly surmised our journey.

Here is what we had to say (I have edited the piece so that it is written by me and no longer in the third person)…

Zieyaad and I will hopefully share our 4th wedding anniversary with the birth of our first child. We have created an email account for our first unborn child, where we send our baby emails on a daily basis that talk about anything and everything. Our plan is to continue to email our child about everyday events, attaching pictures and video clips, from the day we first found out we were pregnant, until the day we believe that she is of an age where she will appreciate how we saw and experienced her life. This is an extract of our first email to our first unborn child:

“On the evening of 1 April 2014, Mom and Dad passed a pharmacy in Rondebosch Main Road. Mom told Dad that evening that we should buy a pregnancy test because Mom was late with her period. Mom was convinced that something was happening as she was never late. Dad, on the other hand, did not take Mom seriously because earlier in the year, January 2014, we had a false alarm. Mom told Dad the same thing while we were traveling in Europe. But it turned out that Mom had just calculated her days wrong – silly Mom!

After some debate, we went into the pharmacy to purchase a pregnancy test. There were a variety of different types and brands to choose from. There was an electric one, which was capable of calculating how far along you are in the pregnancy and digitally states ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant’. Or alternatively, there was a simple test which would show in lines whether or not you were pregnant. Because Dad didn’t believe Mom, Dad opted for the simpler option – silly Dad!

When we got home, Mom went to take the test and Dad went to his favourite place – the couch in front of the TV. Mom went to the bathroom and was out in two ticks, wide-eyed and screaming for Dad. Mom showed Dad the simple pregnancy test and wanted Dad to confirm that it was positive. Dad told Mom that you do not get false positives and we both burst into tears. Dad then got into the car and rushed back to the same pharmacy to purchase the digital test, which showed Mom was in fact over 3 weeks pregnant. From that moment, we were both so thankful to the Almighty for granting us the opportunity to become parents and were instantly excited.

Our first appointment with the gynecologist was 10:30am yesterday, May 9th. Dad was very nervous the night before and could not sleep, but Mom was very excited. At our appointment the doctor enquired about Mom’s medical history and then performed our first foetal scan. On the monitor we saw and heard your little heart beat so fast! We burst into tears because we were so happy! The doctor also confirmed that your expected date of arrival would be December 5th 2014 – the date of Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary. Hearing this news was so special, and Dad took a video and some photos to remember it.

As we drove back home after the doctor had confirmed that you were really our first baby, the first song we heard playing on the radio was one written by Coldplay called ‘Magic’. Mom and Dad both cried, because this truly was a magical moment for us. At that moment we decided that we would dedicate this song to you. Know that your were loved long before we even met you and that we will always love you.”

Follow me on Instagram (@treatmesweetlie) for more updates!

our first insert in the Mamas & Papas magazine
the pregnancy test
my baby bump in the first trimester