Ever since I stopped nursing, I’ve noticed that I’ve slowly began to pick up weight. I stopped nursing more than a year ago now, as I couldn’t maintain expressing milk at work, while nursing Ammaarah in the mornings and evenings when I was with her.
It started when I substituted feeds with formula as I was not able to express enough to keep up with her demand. Then it moved to stopping expressing all together because as I started to express more frequently and at a faster pace to try to keep up with demand, I ended up damaging myself. And then it moved to stopping completely. Without realising it, my little girl had been weaned after just 6 months.
I must admit, I’m a little sad that I never had the chance (or possibly didn’t give myself a chance) to nurse Ammaarah for my goal of 2 years. Having said that however, I am very grateful that I had no struggle when I eventually decided to stop all together.
But ever since I stopped nursing, my metabolism has changed completely and I am no longer able to sustain my pre mommy weight gain. My eating habits haven’t really changed (I usually eat all the time – small snacks of anything and everything), nor has my exercise habits changed (close to no activity), but my body just cannot seem to get rid of the intake anymore. This bothers me – at least about thrice every day.
Now don’t get me wrong, and for those of you who may know me, I know I am not overweight. I know that I am not physically ‘fat’. But unfortunately, emotionally, I feel as though I am. I’ve always had this problem – being conscious about my weight. I’ve always had this thing about how much I weighed, but because my genetic compound allowed me to be rather skinny with absolutely no effort, I fell into a habit of little to no exercise. And now it’s catching up on me!
Every morning, whilst dressing for work, I find myself feeling bothered by how snug my pant fits, or how my shirt fits more snug around my belly and hips than how it previously did. Every day, when I snack on something at my desk, I immediately feel the multiple rolls layered on my belly. Every evening, as I change into my pjs, I catch a glimpse of how my body has changed, making me feel rather awkward about myself.
My body has changed and I’m struggling to accept it.
I find myself looking at skinny models,actresses and tv presenters, wishing I was as skinny as them. I sometimes feel complete remorse after I have had a meal, regretting the choice we made for supper or the choice I made off the menu. I sometimes find myself researching the internet for quick and easy ways of losing weight – what tablet can I take that will make me lose the weight easily.
I always bounce back from these thoughts rather quickly, reminding myself that I have become a mother, and that I have become a new me – both physically and emotionally – and that it was okay to feel the way that I often feel and to look the way that I look. But then those feelings creep back in rather easily again – after I have to select a size 12 pant off the rail and then it still fits snug, as an example.
And I know that the only way for me to fix this is to first accept that I have changed, and then do something about it – changing my diet and exercising. But I am struggling to accept it, and I am struggling to find the time to exercise. I find myself doing a week of my own training, only to revert back to doing nothing the following week. Which then makes me feel even worse, making it even more difficult for me to accept. It’s like a viscous tumbleweed, that just keeps rolling and just keeps growing.
People think I’m crazy when I talk about this, telling me that I don’t need to worry about anything. And I’m sure many of you are possibly thinking that right now. But this unfortunately bothers me, and I really don’t know how to fix it…