My life has been consumed (in the literal sense) with my work and my career over the past several weeks. I have been working 12 to 14 hours a day and roughly 6 to 7 days a week. In my previous post, I blogged about how being a working mother sucks sometimes and how that has resulted in the deterioration of my relationship with Ammaarah. This morning, sadly, that wound cut even deeper when I felt like a failure as mother.
If Ammaarah wakes before our alarm clock has sounded in the morning, we quietly fetch her from her room and bring her to our bed. 90% of the time she falls asleep again, allowing us to snooze for another few minutes. This morning however, Zieyaad left to the bathroom. Ammaarah realised that her father was not there and politely got out of bed. She walked to the bathroom door, shouted ‘daddy’, stood outside of the door and waited for him.
And she waited for him.
She just waited for him to return.
I pleaded with her to come back to the room so that we could play or watch Barney together (she calls any video ‘Barney’ – the cutest!), but she outright refused. She screamed the moment I came close to her which left me with very little choice. I had to leave her be.
My feelings were hurt and my heart broke. It shattered into the most irreparable position ever.
I feel as though I have failed.
As with all of us, I wish to be successful in anything and everything that I am part of and I wish to always better my position in all aspects of my life. I therefore wish and strive to build my career in the corporate world. But how can I justify that when it is my time with my family that is being sacrificed?
I have been fortunate enough to be chosen to take part in a Women’s Empowerment Workshop. The workshop runs over several months and aims to empower women in the work place. It aims to provide self-reflection on yourself and provide guidance on how you need to empower yourself (spiritually, mentally and physically) in order to succeed in your work place. We are approaching our third month and the most important lesson I have learnt so far is that there has to be a balance in every aspect of your life. The most classic example would be the ‘work life’ balance. The more you give to the one aspect, the more you deprive from the other aspect. One would expect your scale to never be equal, as there will always be priorities on either side that will take preference. But the key is to manage those priorities on both sides so that your scale does not become permanently damaged. (I know, easier said than done, and totally clear in my case!).
So I find myself in a very difficult space, because our deadline at work is looming and I have to deliver. I must deliver. We have been at it for so long now, and the end is in sight, so I cannot give up now. But my little princess dislikes me, and without the luxury of time, how am I meant to fix that?
I have no solution.
All I know is that I need to push through. I am not a failure and I will not give up.
I will learn from this.
I will become stronger.
I will become more resilient.
Ammaarah will love me again.
Part of what keeps me going is the inspirational stories and support I receive from the exceptional women whom form part of my workshop, and the multi-talented women I spent my Saturday morning with at the Kids Emporium Blogger Breakfast over the weekend. Each one of us were, and are, unique to each other – different careers, different responsibilities, different ages, different races, different family dynamics – but the one common denominator that resonated across all was that we are all consumed by some part of our lives. Some have personal matters, some work matters, some stay-at-home mommy matters, some are juggling between the two or juggling 3 jobs at the same time, and others are expecting their first baby (and we all know how exciting and consuming that journey is!).
Although I have no solution, it is absolutely comforting knowing that I am not the only or the first (nor the last!) mother/female to go through this exact point in my life. There are many women who have succeeded in building an unbreakable relationship with their family whilst building their career, and we need to support each other so that we can also achieve that. If others can do it, why can’t I? We need to motivate each other, inspire each other and push each other to move just one more step forward, because standing still or moving back is not an option.
So to each and every one of you who find yourself in a difficult position – keep going and push through! Keep your head raised above the water, keep breathing and keep moving forward. You will learn from this, you will become stronger and you will succeed.
I know you can do this, you know you can do this, so let’s do it!